Journey - Month 12 - December 2009

picture taken in downtown disney last week

1. What I had for lunch today: turkey, ham, cheese sand on wheat, baked lays, diet dew
2. Something I apologized for: maybe breaking the garbage can but it turned out that i didn't :)
3. The last person I thanked: emma for helping me put something away ( i used a task as a distraction to stop her from whining/crying - gawd, i'm getting tired of the whining LOL)
4. The last movie I watched: Taken, very good - suspenseful movie
5. My favorite song right now: i've gotta feeling by the black eyed peas
6. Where I ate out last: Denny's, Orlando
7. What I'm wearing right now: mikes boxer briefs, maine tshirt
8. What made me laugh: Emma and the things she says, the other morning i asked her if she messed up the tv, knowing that the satellite was just resetting itself, and she said, "i didn't do anything" so innocently and it just made me smile
9. The last person I spoke to on the phone: my sister, big surprise i know :)
10. Someone I'm thinking of right now: the kids - hoping they sleep thru the night

Journey - Month 11 - November 2009

1. What I had for lunch today: pork chop, mashed potato, peas, apple slices
2. Something I apologized for: mike for univiting him to orlando to visit rosie in december
3. The last person I thanked: Chara for faxing something for me
4. The last movie I watched: UP!!!
5. My favorite song right now: i gotta feeling by the black eyed peas
6. Where I ate out last: Nick's school for Thanksgiving luncheon
7. What I'm wearing right now: jean capris, green work polo, flip flops
8. What made me laugh: my sister on the phone carrying on about how she has to pee and is hitting bumps but needs a drink of water at the same time...
9. The last person I spoke to on the phone: my sister about her carrie underwood haircut
10. Someone I'm thinking of right now: all the people i'm not buying gifts for this year...we just dont have the money...

Journey - Month 10 - October 2009

picture is from the 13th but answers are from the 26th...i'm a few days late - sue me :)
1. What I had for lunch today: smartones meatloaf w/mashed pot, carrots, granny smith w/peanut butter
2. Something I apologized for: chara for interrupting her while on the phone
3. The last person I thanked: chara for ordering a new dated stamp for me for work
4. The last movie I watched: couples retreat
5. My favorite song right now: don't really have one, i'm listening to same stuff from ipod for running
6. Where I ate out last: vicky's house for potluck bunco
7. What I'm wearing right now: jean capris, blue work polo, brown flip flops
8. What made me laugh: seeing emma dragging the wagon with all our pumpkins in it
9. The last person I spoke to on the phone: kara making plans to go running tonight w/elissa
10. Someone I'm thinking of right now: mike, hoping he remembers it is his night to pick up the kids

Journey - Month 9 - Sept 09

1. What I had for lunch today: healthy choice sweet/sour spicy chix, cheese, grapes
2. Something I apologized for: mike for calling him 3 or 4 times this morning to give me info from the computer table
3. The last person I thanked: the sales guy at fit2run for helping me get shoes/socks for my training
4. The last movie I watched: both sisterhood of the traveling pants movies
5. My favorite song right now: boom boom pow by the black eyed peas
6. Where I ate out last: Chili's
7. What I'm wearing right now: jean capris, pink work polo, black flip flops
8. What made me laugh: emma's messed up haircut but not in a good way
9. The last person I spoke to on the phone: my sister sarah
10. Someone I'm thinking of right now: me - really feel good about writing down my training plan on a calendar and am looking forward to the challenge of sticking to it for the 1/2 marathon in january

Journey - Month 8 - Aug 09

Today - 8/17/09
1. What I had for lunch today: healthy choice pot roast, cuke w/balsamic vinager
2. Something I apologized for: to mike for forgetting to the pot roast in the crock pot this morning for dinner - duh....
3. The last person I thanked: Sarah for her opinion on birthday party things...
4. The last movie I watched: The Ugly Truth
5. My favorite song right now: halo by beyonce
6. Where I ate out last: fon shan's take out
7. What I'm wearing right now: mike's boxer briefs, turquoise tank top
8. What made me laugh: emma screaming at the top of her lungs for mike who was putting the garbage out
9. The last person I spoke to on the phone: mike saying i was in the driveway :)
10. Someone I'm thinking of right now: mike asleep on the couch, should i try to wake him and get him up to bed when i go???

another kid....another night of interrupted sleep

okay so i'm racking my brain trying to remember when nick started this waking up in the middle of the night horseshit...emma has been doing it for about 2 weeks now where she will wake up and cry for us to come to her...if we go to comfort her by rubbing her back or quietly reassuring her that we are just in the other room sleeping she calms down....BUT the second we start to walk away from her crib she starts SCREAMING HER HEAD OFF....i don't mean just regular crying, i mean screaming bloody murder....we know it is a control thing and she just wants us to stay with her but i just don't think it is a good thing to get started in that "bad" habit....i remember clearly laying/sleeping on nick's floor when he was still in his crib before we had the bunk beds in his room, just to get him to stop crying.....i CAN'T do that again....i'm at my wits end because i don't want to give emma different treatment but isn't that parenthood? learning from your past experiences/mistakes????

i just wish she would have continued being the model sleeper
regular night time routine of play, dinner, tub, jammies, books/play, snuggle in our bed w/tv or in the glider in her room in the dark, "emma you ready for your crib?" "yes mommy, my bed", put her to bed, she rubs her feet along the sheet and snuggles into her mattress with her taggie blankets by her face, holding the green tag, sleep thru the night and call/cry to us in the morning around 6am....ohhhhhh what i wouldn't give to go back to that.....we jinxed ourselves by complaining about her "early" awakening at 6am....ohhhhhh to go back to being able to sleep all night and get up at 6AM....

oh and on top of the issues with emma's sleeping changes, nick is getting up at least once a night to come get me to take him to go pee....i'm getting like 4-5 hours of sleep a night....

a rant of sorts....Toddlers & Tiaras

i have already posted about this on facebook and gone "off" on my husband about it, but i just don't seem to be able to let it go......
there is this stupid show on TLC that just started it's second season called Toddlers and Tiaras and i for the life of me can not understand HOW/WHY the programming on this show is allowed on television let alone HOW/WHY these stupid parents are allowed to put their kids/daughters in this crap they call Pageant work....
i do not understand how a grown adult could dress their child like a stripper, hooker, whore, with a face full of makeup and hair up to the skies with trampy slutty outfits on doing sexy dance moves on a stage for a freakin tiara/crown/prize...
I JUST DO NOT GET IT!!!!
it infuriates me more and more even as i type this post....what are they thinking??? these girls look sooooooo awful and they could be soooo beautiful if they would be able to just grow, develop and be kids....4 year olds wearing more makeup and hairspray than i have ever even put on my face/hair in my 36+ years.....
AWFUL...
okay i'm done, i'll let it go...i just dont get it and that is what bothers me the most...

Journey - Month 7 - July 09

Today - 7/14/09
1. What I had for lunch today: lean cuisine lasagna, salad w/lt italian dressing, fruit salad (watermelon, blueberries, strawberries)
2. Something I apologized for: to mike for being home so late last night from the mall with the kids (haircuts, new shoes and dinner for them brought us home way past 830 which made our dinner after 9 once they were in bed)
3. The last person I thanked: mike for making dinner tonight
4. The last movie I watched: Horton Hears a Who
5. My favorite song right now: the climb by miley cyrus
6. Where I ate out last: fon shaun's take out
7. What I'm wearing right now: dark grey exercise pants, race for the cure tshirt (heading on the treadmill)
8. What made me laugh: emma climbing in the back window of mike's car while i was moving and readjusting his car seats
9. The last person I spoke to on the phone: mike saying i was on my way to get nick
10. Someone I'm thinking of right now: me, get on the treadmill girlie, get off the computer...

the climb.....

I can almost see it
That dream I’m dreaming but
There’s a voice inside my head sayin,
You’ll never reach it,
Every step I’m taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

The struggles I’m facing,
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes they might knock me down but
No I’m not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I’m going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on,
cause

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Somebody you're going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It’s all about
It’s all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith
Whoaaa Ohwaoooh

Journey - Month 6 - June 09

Today - 6/14/09
1. What I had for lunch today: chix salad w/grapes, apples & shredded carrots over lettuce, baked bbq lays
2. Something I apologized for: gonna apologize to mike when i get downstairs for taking so long
3. The last person I thanked: mom and jim for watching the kids so i could go exercise
4. The last movie I watched: Bolt
5. My favorite song right now: halo still by beyonce
6. Where I ate out last: we had rosalita's tex mex last night (it was takeout)
7. What I'm wearing right now: black exercise pants, grey tshirt
8. What made me laugh: my kids, i can't think of a specific thing that was the most recent event but i laugh with them every day
9. The last person I spoke to on the phone: mike telling him i was on my way home with the kids from mom's after exercising
10. Someone I'm thinking of right now: me, can i really commit to 5 days of exercise this week and can i write down all my food and make the right choices AGAIN????????

Journey - Month 5 - May 09

Today - 5/13/09
1. What I had for lunch today: chix quesadilla from JFK airport
2. Something I apologized for: honestly i'm wracking my brain here, i can not think of anything right now
3. The last person I thanked: sarah for moving pak n play in the closet for emma
4. The last movie I watched: Earth
5. My favorite song right now: Halo by Beyonce
6. Where I ate out last: chili's
7. What I'm wearing right now: pj's and a tank
8. What made me laugh: kid's playing/running around
9. The last person I spoke to on the phone: my sister sarah
10. Someone I'm thinking of right now: nick, hope he does okay upstairs tonight at sarah's in the bedroom alone

Journey - Month 4 - April 09

Today - 4/14/09
1. What I had for lunch today: lean cuisine cheese french bread pizza, sliced cukes w/balsamic vin, carrots w/lt ranch dressing
2. Something I apologized for: to mike for coming home so late from work
3. The last person I thanked: mike for picking the kids up at school when i usually do
4. The last movie I watched: the 2nd half of forgetting sarah marshall
5. My favorite song right now: i'm yours by Jason Mraz
6. Where I ate out last: toojay's lunch with danielle from bunco more than 2wks ago
7. What I'm wearing right now: mike's boxer briefs, white tank top
8. What made me laugh: emma playing with her babies in their stroller and her shopping cart
9. The last person I spoke to on the phone: my mom
10. Someone I'm thinking of right now: my boss, i hope what i stayed late to finish for him was what/how he wanted it....i'm taking a personal day tomorrow and really hope when i walk in thurs there isn't attitude about me being off wed

40 days...

okay so in 1/2 hour i will have been 40 full days without a drop, a sip, a drink of soda...not one in 40 days...
NOW WHAT???
1. do i go back to what i was doing? drinking wayyyyy too many oz each day....
2. do i become a casual soda drinker like i probably should have been all along? have diet with a special meal....
3. do i just stay soda free forever??? can i do that??? do i really need to????

i'm thinking option #2....i miss it but i've done fine without it-so as long as i don't go back into my bad old habits of excessively drinking soda, i think the occasional diet coke will not kill me...

seriously didnt think i could do it...i have to say i am very proud of myself for sticking to my commitment....
good job girlie :)

another month has passed in 2009....

okay so it is officially april 1st. holy crap we are 1/3 of the way thru 2009. how can that be??? emma is 18 months and nick is 4 1/2 - seriously when did time start moving so quickly...

emma is saying more and more words everyday, including i love you...it just melts my heart when i hear her say it...the other night i was laying with her at the condo getting her quiet before putting her in the pack n play for the night, i whispered to her, "i love you" and around her binkie she said it back to me, so i said it again, "i love you" and she said it back to me again, i kept saying it like 5 times just to see if she would keep saying it back to me and she did everytime.... it made me smile and tear up at the same time...what a big girl...oh and of course everytime we drive by a lake or a pond or a fountain, she says "WAAATERRRRR"

nick amazes me each day with how smart he is - mike and i laugh constantly at the things that he comes up with - while watching the lost world (Jurassic Park 2) last night he said, "they're going down!!!" about the dinosaurs taking out the people or the city or something, it was very funny...

i only have 5 more days of my 40 days without soda...can't say that i am not craving it but i can honestly say i have not had one sip, not one single sip of soda in the last 35 days...dont get me wrong i have momentary lapses where i have said WTF just get a soda, but i have not!!!! i'm looking forward to enjoying a big diet coke from a fountain when "my time is up" :) but i will not go back to being a REGULAR soda drinker as the whole purpose of me giving it up was to make better choices for my body....

frustrated???? discouraged??? why????

okay it's another one of those days....what am i??? how am i feeling???? why do "bad" things happen to good people???? why when people work so hard in life do they constantly seem to be shut down??? why does one person seem to have such horrible luck with work??? why can't he catch a break??? why does he have to feel like this so often when it hurts him so badly????
i just cant get past the fact there are so many people who don't care about working and then there he is, wanting to work, wanting to provide for his family, wanting to be in a job he likes but at this point willing to do what needs to be done to provide for his family...whyyyyy can't he just catch a break? why can't he find that one perfect job to make him happy and allow him to provide for his family, make him feel successful??? is that really too much to ask???

WTF is all i have to say right now - WTF???? give us a break

Journey - Month 3 - March 09

Today - 3/13/09
1. What I am having for lunch today: sausage/rice/spinach soup, salad, fruit
2. Something I apologized for: not calling Sarah back this morning after her text message last night
3. The last person I thanked: Jeff for agreeing to run to office depot for me to get ink for the fax machine...don't know how i ran out...oh yeah i do - we cut back on office supplies LOL
4. The last movie I watched: he's just not that into you w/Brooke and Mel ( i seriously had to rack my brain and google recent movies online to remember that - sad, very sad)
5. My favorite song right now: love story by Taylor Swift
6. Where I ate out last: salad and soup from NYPD w/the kids last Friday after the gym
7. What I'm wearing right now: jean capris, green work polo, brown flip flops
8. What made me laugh: taking pictures of myself in the mirror last night..how silly do i feel doing that :)
9. The last person I spoke to on the phone: my sister Sarah
10. Someone I'm thinking of right now: Sarah's sister in law who has no idea her new husband of less than a year is a serious drug addict and drug dealer...everyone knows but heather and it is really sad that no one has the courage to tell her the truth...

proud of myself...

okay so we are only 3 1/2 months into the year...but i have to say i am very proud of myself and my commitment to my photo blog...i may not get the pics up everyday but i take them and save them and do them in batches no more than a week past when they were taken....i really am enjoying it and look forward to each day as they come...

Time guilt...

why when I take time for me do I always feel compelled to squeeze in mom duty stuff and then feel so guilty for leaving my kids too long with the grandparents? they watched them sat afternoon for me so i could go exercise and get some groceries...i ended up doing those things and grabbed a mani/pedi to boot....i told them it was going to be like 2 hours or so but it ended up being just over 3 and i got panicked that they were going to be annoyed i was taking too long, even though they both told me they didn't have plans and when i checked in reassured me that the kids were fine, not to worry.....They are so wonderful in offering to watch the kids and take them pretty much whenever i ask, so I'm not sure why i always worry that I'm having the kids overstay their welcome so to speak....i guess i just have to work on letting it go as it seems mommy guilt just comes with the job, not really any way to avoid it overall....

Wow, it's been 8 days already - only 32 days left...

so i honestly can not believe i have made it since last tuesday night without a soda...not one sip...nothing....i am seriously shocked...now being truthful there have been times in the last week i have wanted one very badly but it is mostly when i am eating something that just goes better with a soda, chinese or pizza....thinking about drinking water with some foods just doesn't jive with me...anyway, i picked up a case of flavored water at BJ's last weekend and have become rather fond of the taste of all the flavors...i prefer the raspberry and tropical fruit splash but the strawberry-kiwi and orange are good too...and NOOOOOOOO these are not carbonated waters, FLAT water with fruit flavoring...still zero calories with 50mg of sodium but much better than plain water...anyway, i'm sticking with it....i'm thinking i'll make it to the end of the 40 days just fine but when lent is over i will drink soda on occasion again...nothing like what i was drinking - DAILY - several several several OZ a day - always running thru the drivethru to get a big diet coke....a soda with take out or an occasional big diet coke from chik-fil-a will now become a treat, reward if you will for a job well done....

day #3

so i'm on day #3 without soda of any kind...it's not been as hard as i thought it would be...dont get me wrong, i miss it, the taste and the fizz of the fountain type, but i have been drinking water and crystal light during the day and at night milk with dinner and then water for the other times...wonder how well my body will respond to the missing beverage - will it give me a boost in the loss department this week?? here's hoping so....

Who is this big girl??

Really?? she's standing at the sink brushing her teeth before bed??? what is she 5??? goodness how time flies...

Disappointed or disheartened?? What am I?

disappointed
1. depressed or discouraged by the failure of one's hopes or expectation
Synonyms: aghast, balked, beaten, chapfallen, complaining, crestfallen, defeated, depressed, despondent, disconcerted, discontented, discouraged, disenchanted, disgruntled, disillusioned, dissatisfied, distressed, down, down in the dumps, downcast, downhearted, foiled, frustrated, hopeless, objecting, shot down, taken down, thwarted, unhappy, unsatisfied, upset, vanquished, worsted

disheartened
1. to shake or destroy the courage or resolution of; dispirit.
Synonyms: abashed, aghast, alarmed, anxious, apprehensive, aroused, blanched, cowardly, cowed, daunted, discouraged, disheartened, dismayed, distressed, disturbed, faint-hearted, frightened, frozen, have cold feet, horrified, in awe, intimidated, nervous, panic-stricken, perplexed, perturbed, petrified, rattled, run scared, scared, scared stiff, scared to death, shocked, spooked, startled, stunned, suspicious, terrified, terror-stricken, timid, timorous, trembling, upset, worried

i'm not sure how i am, what i feel, i just can't put my finger on the word....
so without going into details, i'm struggling with news i received yesterday about someone i love very much....i don't understand how it got this far out of control....i dont understand how i didn't know....i don't understand how i could have missed this....i don't understand the choices made when in the past circumstances have been sooooo different....i just don't understand why?????

i guess i will be struggling with these questions until someone wants to talk to me about what happened and until then, i will have to put it out of my head, because it just makes me too sad to even think about the situation that has developed.....i am truly sad about this, to the center of me and i just don't get it??????

The Book of Emma

View Project at Shutterfly

Lent - 40 days without soda...

Lent is the season of preparation before Easter beginning on Ash Wednesday and ending on Holy Thursday. Lent is a time of reconciliation. A time when we make space in our lives to think about our relationship with our heavenly Father and the ways in which we are responding or failing to respond to his love and care for us.

How does that equate to me giving up soda??? Okay so I have wanted to give up soda for a while now....it is not good for me, I drink too much and even my kids now seem to be headed to junkie status even though they only have sips here and there...anyway, with lent starting today, I started thinking that maybe this is the perfect time to "give up" my vice - diet coke is my one true bad habit.

I think I remember participating in Lent while in college and definitely before that when I lived at home and went to the Catholic church each Sunday with my family. Back then Lent meant "giving up candy" or "giving up a favorite show" in sacrifice. But now after doing a little reading online I realize it is about self-discipline, a season of penance, reflection and fasting. Giving up soda is not a sacrifice. It is for the betterment of me so how can that be bad?

Journey - Month 2 - February 09

Today - 2/13/09
1. What I had for lunch today: left over spag w/meat sauce and a salad w/blush wine vinagrette
2. Something I apologized for: making brooke wait for me to go walking tonight
3. The last person I thanked: jeff for picking up the stuff for michael at work
4. The last movie I watched: we watched the bee movie in two sittings
5. My favorite song right now: still like bleeding love by leona lewis...i don't get to listen to the radio that much with the kids in the car and when i listen to my ipod it is the same dance music for exercise
6. Where I ate out last: sweet tomatos lunch w/the girls - salad & baked potato
7. What I'm wearing right now: gym pants, sweaty boothbay harbor tshirt
8. What made me laugh: tickling emma before bed
9. The last person I spoke to on the phone: mike on my way home from walking with Brooke
10. Someone I'm thinking of right now: mike, i hope we get some alone time tonight ;)

new "pose" for my next wall collage

so after looking through pictures taken in 2007, i noticed several of nick and i from the back holding hands walking away from mike who was taking the picture...i picked out the best 6 and put them together in a photo collage frame...anyway, when i did it, Emma was like 6 months old or so and i remember thinking and actually saying maybe that i couldn't wait until Emma was walking and i could do a new collage of mommy holding hands with one child while the child held hands with the other child...anyway, i found my first picture like that in recent pics taken at Disney...i asked mike to be on a look out for that shot when we go places and he saw it and captured it...i can't wait to make more memories just like this one....

the difference between right and wrong....

there was a discussion on the radio this morning where one of the dj's stated that it didn't matter if he had a wife or kids or if was single like he is...the fact remains that what is right and what is wrong is the same no matter what...

it got me to thinking...

is that really true????

now that i have kids there are definitely things i would do to protect my children that i would never in a million years have imagined doing....i'm not saying i would kill for them on any given day, but if someone were hurting MY CHILDREN and the opportunity for me stop it right then and there would be to seriously hurt or kill another human being or let my children continue to be hurt, i would do it in a heartbeat....

now before i had kids, i would have called for help or i would have done my best to intervene and help out another but i would never have put myself in the position where i would do something that is so clearly wrong - hurting/killing someone - had i not had my children....

i guess the question remains - is there a difference between right and wrong when you have kids...because taking another life for whatever reason should be wrong - but when you are a parent and that is your only option you dont see it any other way - it is right....i definitely think your perspective gets skewed when you are soley responsible for another life or two lives or whatever....

being a parent makes all the difference in the world and until you have children of your own, you will never understand that FACT!!!!!

being a parent changes everything...

friendships...

it is funny how i didn't really think about home (Maine) too much in the recent or distant past...when i left, pretty much all my friends from high school were gone or i had lost touch with them while away at college....so from graduation in 1990 until my 10yr reunion in 2000, i really didn't keep in touch with anyone from home...in the beginning it made me sad...i tried to reach out and reconnect with a few but so much time had passed and it was pretty much too late..well then this little thing called facebook came into my life and voila - instant connections to friends long ago lost...i have found and reconnected with people i wasn't very close to in the end but have really found solace in talking to them again now...and i hope that more friends from school will find their way to face book and we can really plan a proper 20yr reunion for 2010....wow, almost 20yrs ago i graduated high school...scary...at this point in my mom's life i was already 15 and here i am with a 1 year old and a 4 year old...so many of my friends have older kids and some have kids with similar ages as mine...it is just very enlightening to see the paths that we have taken...marriage, children, divorce, moves far far away from Maine, remarriages, amazing jobs/careers....it's just funny how you don't think of people until they re-enter your life and then you truly enjoy getting to know the new them...

Getting to a good place...

okay so i have tried to lose weight pretty much my whole life...i never remember a time when i was happy or comfortable in my skin...looking back now at photos i realize i was just fine in high school but at the time i always felt like the biggest friend, well i was the biggest friend but my size was average - acceptable so to speak...i just never felt like it because everyone else was so much smaller than me....anyway, what i would give to go back and be happy with my size then since i have gone up up up since...

i'm realizing that the only way to make this change permanent is to take one thing at a time...food, exercise, water, etc...i finally get that it is going to take a long time...no matter what it takes, i'm going to make this change forever...i want to be my "skinny" self...i'm tired of saying it, i'm tired of starting over...there should never be a start over, it should just be a DO....so i'm not going to try anymore, i'm just going to do...
EXERCISE/MOVEMENT
I'm going to incorporate the exercise/movement into my daily life by making the time - gym tuesdays with nick at the daycare/emma at home with daddy, gym thursdays by myself when my mom has the kids, gym saturday with nick at the daycare/emma home with daddy, monday-wednesday-friday try to get in a walk with Brooke or do my wii or treadmill at home, sundays either do some fun playing/running/racing with the kids at the park/playground or do wii or treadmill at home or just skip it and have a day of rest for an awesome job done for the week....
FOOD
just eat balanced meals silly - breakfast from home, pack your lunchbox with healthy things, PLAN dinner and if you feel like snacks, make good choices - fruit, popcorn, lt chips, pretzels, lt ice cream....splurge when i need to but do it in moderation so it doesn't stick to my ass and hips...i can not deprive myself or i will fail again...people who are thin and healthy don't why should i??? they eat pizza or ice cream or all other things we see as bad but they don't eat the whole thing, they have a bite, they have a serving and then they move their asses...be active and eat right and you can be successful at maintaining a healthy weight....
WATER
seriously, why do we find it so hard to drink water??? it is good for us, it tastes good and it makes us pee which is good for getting rid of bad things in our bodies...duhhhh, just do it all right already....
SUPPORT
talk it out with my friends, ask for help with the kids when i need to get my exercise in, plan our meals and stick to it, let the crap go that doesnt help and keep on keeping on...

okay that is my RANT for the day...this is my plan and it can and will work....i'm done saying when i'm there...i'm there....

sleep...

okay so i went through a bad patch the last two weeks staying up well past 1am sometimes closer or past 2am...this is not going to work for me...even though i dont get up until 730am and it didnt seem to be affecting me before IT IS NOW!!!! i am deadass tired...been to bed before midnight the last 2 nights and hope to continue that trend....i just want to be able to get everything done but i need some sleep to function...it will get done eventually - that's what they say right????
priorities outside of work - kids, exercise, mike, me time, house stuff, other stuff....
i can do it....no worries...

bills, bills, bills....

Seriously i am sooo glad i have my bills at home under control because with the amount of stress and aggravation i feel everyday at work, i don't think i could handle it at home too...
Can't it just rain money please???
Then i could just have a break and not worry soooo much....

wii & wii fit...

oh i'm so excited...my new wii & wii fit came today to my office and i set it up after dinner....of course, nick and mike got to play it first but i got to play it last and the longest :)

what fun, i did activity for over 70 min tonight, between stepping and running and hula hooping and balancing and hitting balls with my head and so much more...i'm really happy i decided to get it and now i'm looking forward to using it daily to decrease my weight more and get in shape...when i first did the fit test it said i had a wii fit age of 54 but i did it later after doing some workouts and it registered at 35yrs old which is 1 under so i'm okay with that...it is right near my scale weight and of course my BMI is awful but i'm working on it...anyway, i'm really excited about my new toy...
denise

Journey - Month 1 - January 09

Today - 1/13/09
1. What I had for lunch today: lean cuisine lasagna and a salad
2. Something I apologized for: not getting something done for my boss - but did i really apologize for that???
3. The last person I thanked: my mother in-law for watching Emma so we could take Nick to the movies Sunday
4. The last movie I watched: the Tale of Despereaux
5. My favorite song right now: bleeding love by leona lewis
6. Where I ate out last: pizza and wings delivery on sat night (sitting in a restaurant was new year's eve, chinese food)
7. What I'm wearing right now: gym pants, sweaty maine tshirt
8. What made me laugh: taking ridiculous pictures of myself in the mirror
9. The last person I spoke to on the phone: my sister, sarah
10. Someone I'm thinking of right now: emma, i hope she stays sleeping

trying new things...

okay so I'm not sure if it is age or if it is just being with mike, but since i met him i have tried sooo many new foods that i refused to eat before i met him...seriously not only have i tried these things i like them - shrimp that isn't fried and popcorn size, egg rolls, chili, cooked onions and peppers in like fajitas, real salsa, refried beans, black beans and rice...those are just a few that i can think of off the top of my head...it makes me wonder...when will Nick be daring enough to even try mac and cheese or spaghetti or steak or a hot dog or any veggie besides corn.....we are back to only offering the one meal again and he's not eating well again...tonight he had nothing from his plate, didn't even pick up his fork...i gave them both a few crackers before we ate because Emma was screaming her brains out with hunger....he ate those and drank his milk and that is it....Emma on the other hand ate a clementine, pork roast, stuffing, applesauce, corn and green beans plus the few crackers and her milk...she will eat pretty much anything i put in front of her although she did not like the beets and pretty much insisted that mike take them off her tray before she would continue with the other food - silly silly girl....anyway, i just wonder when nick will even just start trying stuff....i can't force him, but I'm not going back to letting him eat whatever he wants...you eat what we are eating or what i make you or you go without anything else.....think it will ever kick in???? god i hope he doesn't wait until he is in his 30's to figure it out...

wasted day...

another wasted day at work and i wasn't even messing around doing my own thing...finally got with the computer guy around 11 on the phone and he says he wants to take my laptop so that he can work on it while he does other things (cheaper i suppose)...so now i have to back everything i want to save onto my external hard drive and then i feel like i have to have a hard copy too so i do it to DVDs.....that pretty much takes my whole afternoon...i end up moving to Tim's computer and installing quickbooks there so i can do some work...i wanted to leave work by 430 at the latest so i could get a good 2 hrs in at the gym...NOPE, didn't leave till 6 and then had to run and get a new bluetooth....made it to the gym by 650 but got in a good work out in the hour or so i gave myself...then headed off to return nick's broken toy, pick up chinese food, pick up the kids, put them to bed after snuggle time and sit down to eat my chinese takeout with my hubby....IT WAS 10pm when we sat down together to eat...seriously, how do i pack sooo much into one day??? sometimes i wonder how i don't bust at the seams......okay so my day was wasted but i seem to have accomplished quite a bit tonight, including updating my photo blog with 2 pics and updating here...wow, i did good today :)

Computer virus...

seriously as if my life at work is not complicated enough, i have a friggin virus that i have known about for a few weeks but havent had the time to deal with since it wasnt really affecting my work...okay NOW IT IS AFFECTING my programs...my backup program lost the setup backup, my outlook is not working correctly, my computer lags...i called the IT guy now before i headed out and he is gone for the day - WTF??? so now i have to call tomorrow and who knows how long it will be before they can come out and deal with this shit...i need my computer to do my job...there is soooooo much i have to do before the end of the week....i can't take it anymore.....grrrrrrrrrrrr why are there viruses???? people are sooo stupid that create them...assholes i say, assholes....

work stresses....

not sure if people see me the same way i think i set out to be....does that make sense?? but i do not hold stress for a very long period of time...if something is bothering me, i usually talk it out and then let it go, mostly, depending on what it really is of course...with that being said, i never really have "complained" about work - well not for the most part...BUT for about a year or so i have really been struggling with my job and how to deal with the stresses of how my boss runs HIS company....i am constantly stealing from peter to pay paul and i just don't know if i can keep doing this...i have worked for my boss for over 8 1/2 years - almost as long as i have been with Mike and it is hard even thinking about going somewhere else, but i don't know how to do my job when i struggle sooo much everyday with what i am doing....cash flow is so low right now, i'm making payments later than they should be made, i'm getting calls from trades asking for money i don't have to pay to them, i was giving my boss money left and right last year for his own personal use and now it is to a point that i have TOLD him, no more, i have no more to give and i am now personally suffering/effected by his frivolous spending to the point that we had to let go my "assistant" and i have more work/responsibilities, i did not get a raise this year, i did not get a christmas bonus like i have every year, and the company is not contributing $ to my health savings account to cover my $3,000 insurance deductible for now anyway....so essentially i am taking a pay cut- getting a demotion so to speak with the extra work and less benefits...it really pisses me off and i just feel resentment towards my boss every time i think about allllll the extra payroll he took last year that should have been available to the company to keep us comfortable for the coming year....instead he lives a fuc*ing palm beach lifestyle when he should be living a west palm beach one....mike and i talk all the time about how we would live our life with the money my boss and his (non-working but on the payroll) wife bring home every week...man we would be in hog heaven....granted the more you make the more you are taxed but come onnnnnnn - seriously - budget - budget - budget....no amount of moving $ around is going to make money that is not there be there......so in closing, i am struggling, because i seriously do not keep this shit with me usually and just don't know how much longer i can hold on....it is wearing my ass down....seriously down....

death of a child....

my friend kerri's sister lost her son suddenly while john travolta and kelly preston also lost their son over the weekend...

the death of a child has got to be the most devastating event in a parent's life...my heart goes out to all those who have lost a child...i wouldn't wish that pain on my worst enemy...embrace your children and be thankful for all that you have....life is tooo short to be bogged down by all the bullshit...live and love everyday like it is your last....