Disappointed or disheartened?? What am I?

disappointed
1. depressed or discouraged by the failure of one's hopes or expectation
Synonyms: aghast, balked, beaten, chapfallen, complaining, crestfallen, defeated, depressed, despondent, disconcerted, discontented, discouraged, disenchanted, disgruntled, disillusioned, dissatisfied, distressed, down, down in the dumps, downcast, downhearted, foiled, frustrated, hopeless, objecting, shot down, taken down, thwarted, unhappy, unsatisfied, upset, vanquished, worsted

disheartened
1. to shake or destroy the courage or resolution of; dispirit.
Synonyms: abashed, aghast, alarmed, anxious, apprehensive, aroused, blanched, cowardly, cowed, daunted, discouraged, disheartened, dismayed, distressed, disturbed, faint-hearted, frightened, frozen, have cold feet, horrified, in awe, intimidated, nervous, panic-stricken, perplexed, perturbed, petrified, rattled, run scared, scared, scared stiff, scared to death, shocked, spooked, startled, stunned, suspicious, terrified, terror-stricken, timid, timorous, trembling, upset, worried

i'm not sure how i am, what i feel, i just can't put my finger on the word....
so without going into details, i'm struggling with news i received yesterday about someone i love very much....i don't understand how it got this far out of control....i dont understand how i didn't know....i don't understand how i could have missed this....i don't understand the choices made when in the past circumstances have been sooooo different....i just don't understand why?????

i guess i will be struggling with these questions until someone wants to talk to me about what happened and until then, i will have to put it out of my head, because it just makes me too sad to even think about the situation that has developed.....i am truly sad about this, to the center of me and i just don't get it??????