the difference between right and wrong....

there was a discussion on the radio this morning where one of the dj's stated that it didn't matter if he had a wife or kids or if was single like he is...the fact remains that what is right and what is wrong is the same no matter what...

it got me to thinking...

is that really true????

now that i have kids there are definitely things i would do to protect my children that i would never in a million years have imagined doing....i'm not saying i would kill for them on any given day, but if someone were hurting MY CHILDREN and the opportunity for me stop it right then and there would be to seriously hurt or kill another human being or let my children continue to be hurt, i would do it in a heartbeat....

now before i had kids, i would have called for help or i would have done my best to intervene and help out another but i would never have put myself in the position where i would do something that is so clearly wrong - hurting/killing someone - had i not had my children....

i guess the question remains - is there a difference between right and wrong when you have kids...because taking another life for whatever reason should be wrong - but when you are a parent and that is your only option you dont see it any other way - it is right....i definitely think your perspective gets skewed when you are soley responsible for another life or two lives or whatever....

being a parent makes all the difference in the world and until you have children of your own, you will never understand that FACT!!!!!

being a parent changes everything...

friendships...

it is funny how i didn't really think about home (Maine) too much in the recent or distant past...when i left, pretty much all my friends from high school were gone or i had lost touch with them while away at college....so from graduation in 1990 until my 10yr reunion in 2000, i really didn't keep in touch with anyone from home...in the beginning it made me sad...i tried to reach out and reconnect with a few but so much time had passed and it was pretty much too late..well then this little thing called facebook came into my life and voila - instant connections to friends long ago lost...i have found and reconnected with people i wasn't very close to in the end but have really found solace in talking to them again now...and i hope that more friends from school will find their way to face book and we can really plan a proper 20yr reunion for 2010....wow, almost 20yrs ago i graduated high school...scary...at this point in my mom's life i was already 15 and here i am with a 1 year old and a 4 year old...so many of my friends have older kids and some have kids with similar ages as mine...it is just very enlightening to see the paths that we have taken...marriage, children, divorce, moves far far away from Maine, remarriages, amazing jobs/careers....it's just funny how you don't think of people until they re-enter your life and then you truly enjoy getting to know the new them...

Getting to a good place...

okay so i have tried to lose weight pretty much my whole life...i never remember a time when i was happy or comfortable in my skin...looking back now at photos i realize i was just fine in high school but at the time i always felt like the biggest friend, well i was the biggest friend but my size was average - acceptable so to speak...i just never felt like it because everyone else was so much smaller than me....anyway, what i would give to go back and be happy with my size then since i have gone up up up since...

i'm realizing that the only way to make this change permanent is to take one thing at a time...food, exercise, water, etc...i finally get that it is going to take a long time...no matter what it takes, i'm going to make this change forever...i want to be my "skinny" self...i'm tired of saying it, i'm tired of starting over...there should never be a start over, it should just be a DO....so i'm not going to try anymore, i'm just going to do...
EXERCISE/MOVEMENT
I'm going to incorporate the exercise/movement into my daily life by making the time - gym tuesdays with nick at the daycare/emma at home with daddy, gym thursdays by myself when my mom has the kids, gym saturday with nick at the daycare/emma home with daddy, monday-wednesday-friday try to get in a walk with Brooke or do my wii or treadmill at home, sundays either do some fun playing/running/racing with the kids at the park/playground or do wii or treadmill at home or just skip it and have a day of rest for an awesome job done for the week....
FOOD
just eat balanced meals silly - breakfast from home, pack your lunchbox with healthy things, PLAN dinner and if you feel like snacks, make good choices - fruit, popcorn, lt chips, pretzels, lt ice cream....splurge when i need to but do it in moderation so it doesn't stick to my ass and hips...i can not deprive myself or i will fail again...people who are thin and healthy don't why should i??? they eat pizza or ice cream or all other things we see as bad but they don't eat the whole thing, they have a bite, they have a serving and then they move their asses...be active and eat right and you can be successful at maintaining a healthy weight....
WATER
seriously, why do we find it so hard to drink water??? it is good for us, it tastes good and it makes us pee which is good for getting rid of bad things in our bodies...duhhhh, just do it all right already....
SUPPORT
talk it out with my friends, ask for help with the kids when i need to get my exercise in, plan our meals and stick to it, let the crap go that doesnt help and keep on keeping on...

okay that is my RANT for the day...this is my plan and it can and will work....i'm done saying when i'm there...i'm there....

sleep...

okay so i went through a bad patch the last two weeks staying up well past 1am sometimes closer or past 2am...this is not going to work for me...even though i dont get up until 730am and it didnt seem to be affecting me before IT IS NOW!!!! i am deadass tired...been to bed before midnight the last 2 nights and hope to continue that trend....i just want to be able to get everything done but i need some sleep to function...it will get done eventually - that's what they say right????
priorities outside of work - kids, exercise, mike, me time, house stuff, other stuff....
i can do it....no worries...

bills, bills, bills....

Seriously i am sooo glad i have my bills at home under control because with the amount of stress and aggravation i feel everyday at work, i don't think i could handle it at home too...
Can't it just rain money please???
Then i could just have a break and not worry soooo much....

wii & wii fit...

oh i'm so excited...my new wii & wii fit came today to my office and i set it up after dinner....of course, nick and mike got to play it first but i got to play it last and the longest :)

what fun, i did activity for over 70 min tonight, between stepping and running and hula hooping and balancing and hitting balls with my head and so much more...i'm really happy i decided to get it and now i'm looking forward to using it daily to decrease my weight more and get in shape...when i first did the fit test it said i had a wii fit age of 54 but i did it later after doing some workouts and it registered at 35yrs old which is 1 under so i'm okay with that...it is right near my scale weight and of course my BMI is awful but i'm working on it...anyway, i'm really excited about my new toy...
denise

Journey - Month 1 - January 09

Today - 1/13/09
1. What I had for lunch today: lean cuisine lasagna and a salad
2. Something I apologized for: not getting something done for my boss - but did i really apologize for that???
3. The last person I thanked: my mother in-law for watching Emma so we could take Nick to the movies Sunday
4. The last movie I watched: the Tale of Despereaux
5. My favorite song right now: bleeding love by leona lewis
6. Where I ate out last: pizza and wings delivery on sat night (sitting in a restaurant was new year's eve, chinese food)
7. What I'm wearing right now: gym pants, sweaty maine tshirt
8. What made me laugh: taking ridiculous pictures of myself in the mirror
9. The last person I spoke to on the phone: my sister, sarah
10. Someone I'm thinking of right now: emma, i hope she stays sleeping

trying new things...

okay so I'm not sure if it is age or if it is just being with mike, but since i met him i have tried sooo many new foods that i refused to eat before i met him...seriously not only have i tried these things i like them - shrimp that isn't fried and popcorn size, egg rolls, chili, cooked onions and peppers in like fajitas, real salsa, refried beans, black beans and rice...those are just a few that i can think of off the top of my head...it makes me wonder...when will Nick be daring enough to even try mac and cheese or spaghetti or steak or a hot dog or any veggie besides corn.....we are back to only offering the one meal again and he's not eating well again...tonight he had nothing from his plate, didn't even pick up his fork...i gave them both a few crackers before we ate because Emma was screaming her brains out with hunger....he ate those and drank his milk and that is it....Emma on the other hand ate a clementine, pork roast, stuffing, applesauce, corn and green beans plus the few crackers and her milk...she will eat pretty much anything i put in front of her although she did not like the beets and pretty much insisted that mike take them off her tray before she would continue with the other food - silly silly girl....anyway, i just wonder when nick will even just start trying stuff....i can't force him, but I'm not going back to letting him eat whatever he wants...you eat what we are eating or what i make you or you go without anything else.....think it will ever kick in???? god i hope he doesn't wait until he is in his 30's to figure it out...

wasted day...

another wasted day at work and i wasn't even messing around doing my own thing...finally got with the computer guy around 11 on the phone and he says he wants to take my laptop so that he can work on it while he does other things (cheaper i suppose)...so now i have to back everything i want to save onto my external hard drive and then i feel like i have to have a hard copy too so i do it to DVDs.....that pretty much takes my whole afternoon...i end up moving to Tim's computer and installing quickbooks there so i can do some work...i wanted to leave work by 430 at the latest so i could get a good 2 hrs in at the gym...NOPE, didn't leave till 6 and then had to run and get a new bluetooth....made it to the gym by 650 but got in a good work out in the hour or so i gave myself...then headed off to return nick's broken toy, pick up chinese food, pick up the kids, put them to bed after snuggle time and sit down to eat my chinese takeout with my hubby....IT WAS 10pm when we sat down together to eat...seriously, how do i pack sooo much into one day??? sometimes i wonder how i don't bust at the seams......okay so my day was wasted but i seem to have accomplished quite a bit tonight, including updating my photo blog with 2 pics and updating here...wow, i did good today :)

Computer virus...

seriously as if my life at work is not complicated enough, i have a friggin virus that i have known about for a few weeks but havent had the time to deal with since it wasnt really affecting my work...okay NOW IT IS AFFECTING my programs...my backup program lost the setup backup, my outlook is not working correctly, my computer lags...i called the IT guy now before i headed out and he is gone for the day - WTF??? so now i have to call tomorrow and who knows how long it will be before they can come out and deal with this shit...i need my computer to do my job...there is soooooo much i have to do before the end of the week....i can't take it anymore.....grrrrrrrrrrrr why are there viruses???? people are sooo stupid that create them...assholes i say, assholes....

work stresses....

not sure if people see me the same way i think i set out to be....does that make sense?? but i do not hold stress for a very long period of time...if something is bothering me, i usually talk it out and then let it go, mostly, depending on what it really is of course...with that being said, i never really have "complained" about work - well not for the most part...BUT for about a year or so i have really been struggling with my job and how to deal with the stresses of how my boss runs HIS company....i am constantly stealing from peter to pay paul and i just don't know if i can keep doing this...i have worked for my boss for over 8 1/2 years - almost as long as i have been with Mike and it is hard even thinking about going somewhere else, but i don't know how to do my job when i struggle sooo much everyday with what i am doing....cash flow is so low right now, i'm making payments later than they should be made, i'm getting calls from trades asking for money i don't have to pay to them, i was giving my boss money left and right last year for his own personal use and now it is to a point that i have TOLD him, no more, i have no more to give and i am now personally suffering/effected by his frivolous spending to the point that we had to let go my "assistant" and i have more work/responsibilities, i did not get a raise this year, i did not get a christmas bonus like i have every year, and the company is not contributing $ to my health savings account to cover my $3,000 insurance deductible for now anyway....so essentially i am taking a pay cut- getting a demotion so to speak with the extra work and less benefits...it really pisses me off and i just feel resentment towards my boss every time i think about allllll the extra payroll he took last year that should have been available to the company to keep us comfortable for the coming year....instead he lives a fuc*ing palm beach lifestyle when he should be living a west palm beach one....mike and i talk all the time about how we would live our life with the money my boss and his (non-working but on the payroll) wife bring home every week...man we would be in hog heaven....granted the more you make the more you are taxed but come onnnnnnn - seriously - budget - budget - budget....no amount of moving $ around is going to make money that is not there be there......so in closing, i am struggling, because i seriously do not keep this shit with me usually and just don't know how much longer i can hold on....it is wearing my ass down....seriously down....

death of a child....

my friend kerri's sister lost her son suddenly while john travolta and kelly preston also lost their son over the weekend...

the death of a child has got to be the most devastating event in a parent's life...my heart goes out to all those who have lost a child...i wouldn't wish that pain on my worst enemy...embrace your children and be thankful for all that you have....life is tooo short to be bogged down by all the bullshit...live and love everyday like it is your last....